89 News

"Today's featurette will play out has a newscast. And we start off with breaking news from 'Jeff's Domicile.' Jeff?"

"Thanks Elijah.
I must be the most unlucky person in the whole world! Take last year for example. I had a nice, working scientific calculator. I was in my Algebra I class solving a problem, when suddenly the thing decides to stop working. I swear it SENSED when I needed it most. It said, "Hey, let's make Jeff mad.. But we got to do it at the right time. Right when he's about to find the answer, shut off." Stupid calculator! I was just about to hit equals and it shuts off on me! How typical! Thanks a lot, calculator! Then the teacher just HAS to ask ME the answer. "Jeff, what did you get?" Well maybe if my calculator wasn't a piece of crap I could tell you! And of COURSE its not solar power! Well, fortunately I had another calculator. So I took it to school, everything was great. About a week later, that second calculator runs out of batteries! CRAP! And guess what? Its not solar power either. Of course not! That would be TOO CONVENIENT! So the rest of the year, I used a crappy 8-digit calculator.

"Well, this year, before school started, I got a brand new scientific calculator for school! It was solar power too! Everything was great! I loved my new calculator! Well I found out my calculator didn't like me, because literally two weeks into school, it decided, "Hey, this kid's stupid. Let's make him mad. Wait, but I'm solar power. I got it! Let's make some of the rows in the screen stop working! Perfect!" Well, suddenly one day I took it out and a few rows on the screen weren't working! CRAP! I GOT A BRAND NEW CALCULATOR AND IT BREAKS! I think it was my book bag, because that thing broke too! It fell apart. Literally! NEVER buy book bags from Wal*Mart! Never! I ended up having to pin it together with HUGE safety pins so it didn't completely fall apart. It's not exactly the "season" for book bags. I eventually did find one though. The only one in Topeka right now.

"Another thing, binders! I bought a 1-inch 3-ring binder just for Biology. Well, the thing broke! I thought, 'Well, it wasn't the best of binders, I'll just get a better one.' So I go out and buy a new binder. GUARANTEED TO LAST (why is guaranteed spelled with a 'u'?)! Well, as you imagine, that piece of crap broke too! A whole ring snapped out of it! HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?! THIS DOESN'T HAPPEN TO ANYONE ELSE! BULLCRAP! GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK! Anyway, this was before my new book bag, so I'm pretty sure that book bag broke it. Along with my calculator! Well, I'm going to be getting a new calculator soon. Wish me luck! And let's hope this one DOESN'T break. That wraps it up for me. Back to you Elijah."

"And now we go to a newbie here at the station, Captain Drew Risch with "Drew's Toilet." Drew? What does your toilet have in store for us today?"

"S***!"

"Thanks Drew. And now the weather with Newspaper boy Micah Reynolds. Micah?"

"Thanks Elijah. Our forecast has lots of stuff in store for us. Snow is in the forecast for Friday. No, not really. That would've really made our viewers mad, eh Elijah?"

"Shut up. You're not allowed to talk to me, you know the rules."

"Sorry. It's actually going to-"

"We interrupt this story for some breaking news. We'll go straight to Elijah in the newsroom. Elijah? Wait just a cotton-pickin'. My name's Elijah. Oh, it's my alter ego. My bad. Hajile?"

"Thanks Elijah. We've just got word of a kid down at the rec center, wearing a hoodie, with shorts, socks, and sandals. The beautiful Ms. Stephani Lamb is on the scene. Steph?"

"Thanks Hajile. Yes, we're here at the local rec center where a smelly, unshaven man has been dancing in his poorly-clad outfit. His hoodie, embroidered with the words "************," has a large yellow stain right in the pelvic region, and the man smells of cigarette smoke and Batman comics. Anyways, the point of this story is actually a viewer-submitted question. SexyNakedCat asks 'Is that man insane?' Well, SexyNakedCat, yes, he is. It is currently 85 degrees centigrade, and steadily rising. A hoodie is quite unnecessary, yet, the man continues to sport it. What a lint-licker... Back to you Ken."

"Steph, there's no Ken here. The name's Elijah, you're fired! Thanks Steph. Next, We're on your side tonight, with a special report from Dr. Hajile Kaupsou. Hajile?"

"Thanks Ken."

"What the heck?! Stop calling me Ken. My name is Elijah! Jesus chrysanthemum!"

"Sorry Ken."

"Goshdangit. You're fired too!"

*Uh hey, Elijah. You're not high enough on the news studio ashpole to fire other newscasters. You're fired.*

"You can't fire me! I own this station. I own all the stocks and everything associated with it!"

*Elijah. We can fire you. Now pack your crap and go.*

"This is bullcrap! I can't believe this crap! FU-

-We're sorry. The channel you were viewing is experiencing some technical problems, but will be back to normal programming shortly.-

"Hey, this is Hajile. Sorry for the brief interruption. Boy, that Elijah kid sure is a stink-kid, am I right?"

*Uh, Hajile. You can't say stink-kid on television. Pack your crap and go.*

"What the heck?! That's what it said on the teleprompter! I read exactly what you typed!"

*Hajile. You can't say stink-kid on TV. Now scat.*

"This is bullcrap! I'm gonna burn this station down, you'll see! FU-

-We're sorry. The channel you were viewing is experiencing some technical problems, but will be back to normal programming shortly.-

"Hey, Stephani Lamb here. We'll get back to our story that we were going to present you with mere minutes ago before Elijah and Hajile had to be escorted by authorities from the studio. So, the subject? Under packing. Now this is most common with people who have a fear of over packing, causing them to under pack. Say you move to Hawaii for a week, and you gotta pack clothes, and other things to keep you company. Well, you're inner mind says "Don't over pack." and the devil on your right shoulder (NEVER THE LEFT) says "Hey, over pack." Well, needless to say you go with the pretty Angel Catherine, and accidentally under pack. Well, then you're stuck in Hawaii with enough underwear to last a day, but no way to get back home for a week. So, because it doesn't occur to you that you could go buy more underwear, you just try and bear it the whole week. Well, that's not gonna work out in your favor. By the end of the week, you'll be pooping crab legs, and some will get stuck in your shorts. That's all we have for you today, but we'll leave you with some parting words. Thanks for watching, and remember, 89 News is always outside. Goodnight, and shut up."

*Steph, we're gonna have to let you go.*

"What?! Why?!"

*You can't say Hawaii on TV. We're going to replace you with Micah and Drew. Sor- HOLY CRAP! He's got a can of gasoline and a lighter! He's gonna burn the place to the ground. Everybody run!*

"Hah hah! Told you I'd be back! But you didn't believe me! I control this station now!

-We're sorry. The channel you were viewing is experiencing some technical problems, but will be back to normal programming shortly."