Yard Art Chaos

Juniper Thistlemoss

Juniper Thistlemoss

May 20, 2008 12:00 AM CDT

Yard Art Chaos: A sickeningly delightful, slightly American, mostly Irken fable

"Gather round kids... Let me weave you an enchanting tale to pass the time...

There once was a stout garden gnome named Gary who stood proudly in the middle of the Calloway's tidy, seemingly perfect yard. He was an affable fellow, very jovial, gallant and easy to get along with. His contrary, the very churlish pink flamingo, Robbie, stood next to him.

The Calloway's yard was almost perfect, but not quite, because tensions between the lawn ornaments were high. Many of the fixtures silently believed Robbie was an anathema and as a result, when they talked to him their manner was very terse. Some even thought Robbie was a nefarious villain, that his frivolous pink paint was only a guise.

However, the creatures' silent ideas quickly became whispered rumors that spread like wild fire. It didn't take long until everyone was calling poor Robbie things like "a vividly pink, disgusting piece of work", "a no good criminal with phenomenal balance", and "the certain demise to all of lawn-fixture-kind". At first these dim-witted misnomers merely annoyed Robbie and put him in a state of vexation, but before long the flamboyant flamingo had a change in temperament. Instead of his usual uncaring, harsh attitude, Robbie started to feel an intense chagrin. Consequently, his bright pink hue turned a deep shade of red. Gary, being the cheerful yet prodigious garden gnome he was, recognized Robbie's embarrassment and set out to preclude any further abuse to his suffering flamingo opposite. He shot Robbie a friendly smile to break the ice, then explained his solution to one very grateful bird. He would make Robbie droll; someone the other ornaments wanted to be around. He taught his plastic adversary jokes, ways to make the other lawn fixtures laugh. Soon Robbie propagated, his reputation skyrocketing. He and Gary became chummy comrades. Unfortunately though, as time went on Robbie became too popular and other Robbies started popping up around the neighborhood, stealing the original Robbie's thunder.

...And that, dear children, is why every single stupid yard on the block sports a plastic, tacky, pink flamingo lawn fixture!"