Sympathy for the Soup Nazi

Alec Weaver

Alec Weaver

March 29, 2012 3:21 PM EDT

Please allow me to introduce myself, I am an employee at a local barbeque restaurant and as of late I've been developing a strange sympathy for a very unlikely person, the Soup Nazi. Now, any fan of the sitcom Seinfeld will know who I'm talking about. If you don't, then you must have been living under a rock for the better part of 20 years. Up until I started working in the restaurant industry I could never understand where the soup Nazi was coming from. I mean come on, it's just food right? WRONG! I've always prided myself on being personable, friendly and able to pour on the charm, but after working in a restaurant for almost a year, I realize that It's becoming harder and harder to do so. This isn't a freaking burger king alright? You can't have it your way! Do you see a sign outside that says chuck-e-cheese? No? Then why the hell are you letting your snot-nosed kid run laps around our place of business? Ever heard of discipline? They are called Cheesy Potatoes people!!! Not cheesy fries, not cheesy tots, not cheesy sides, not potato salad. Got it? What did you just ask me? Do we have chicken? You stared at our menu for the better part of fifteen minutes and you didn't happen to notice the word chicken is nowhere to be found? Are you kidding me right now? NO! You cannot get turkey as a side. Why? Because that's how we make our F***ing money!!! Oh you're complaining that we sold out of ribs? You should have got here sooner rather than fifteen minutes before we close. Why don't we just make more you ask? Because we only have so much oven space you swine! We are not famous dave's! We care about our food. Would you rather eat ribs that have been flash-frozen, stockpiled and reheated? Didn't think so, move along! Oh you want this to-go? After I've already made this on a plate and you just stood there staring blankly at the mistake that I was in the process of making? No, no, it's fine. But now I have to start over after I throw away this perfectly good food in the back, you wasteful glutton. Thirteen orders to go? No problem! Help with these to your car? Certainly. No tip? Not okay. For the last time we do not serve alcohol!!! Why? Because I don't trust you and your pickled, well-to-do friends, alright? Party of 20 coming in you say? Sure, if you can find the space. Oh, your bringing in your own food and party wear, that's fine. No, it's okay that I have to clean up YOUR trash that YOU brought in and the cake and ice cream that YOUR kid dumped and smeared all over the ground, its fine, really. What do you like to drink? Yes, I know you want a drink, what flavor do you want? NO! I KNOW YOU WANT A F***ING SODA OKAY, BUT DO YOU WANT COKE, DIET, SPRITE, MR.PIBB, FANTA, LEMONADE, OR WATER?? Please keep your hand out from behind the sneeze guard please. Oh you just threw away your silverware? Nothing I can do about it now. Ordering beans and pickles for your infant? I'm sure nothing can go wrong feeding an infant food that many adults can't eat cleanly. Oh,you said not a lot of ice rather than a lot of ice? Well, perhaps if you didn't mumble that to me, there wouldn't be any reason for you to get all snippy with me making an honest mistake. For the last time, I don't care who you are paying for! Does it look like I have a register in front of me? Sauce is on the table. A slotted spoon would work better? You want to know something? NO BBQ FOR YOU!!!