Skeletons In My Closet

Bill Kampsen

Bill Kampsen

January 20, 2009 12:00 AM CST

I just read that someone found a suspicious package in a makeshift shed. The bomb squad was called and they found a duct-taped wrapped cooler. Police evacuated the neighborhood as they examined the package. They determined that the package was no threat. It contained towels. And that got me thinking...

There are a lot of unanswered questions in this story, not the least of which is what exactly is a makeshift shed? My shed is a fine example of American craftsmanship. 2 x 4 framing, siding on the outside, and a shingled roof. It's all painted to match the house. Frickin' beautiful shed. There's even a chicken weather vane on top.

I've seen sheds made of plastic, Rubbermaid I think. They look nice, but I think it would blow away if a big wind came up. Unless you filled it with dead bodies. You could load the bodies into the trunk of your car in the garage, then late at night back up to the shed and unload them, while your neighbor Tom Hanks watches out his window. That would be suspicious, but it would hold the shed down. Still wouldn't be makeshift, though.

If you took some old plywood and leaned it against a tree and draped a sheet over the ends that could be a makeshift shed, I guess. But the story didn't say that.

And what about the cooler? I have a really old cooler that squeaks when you open it. We've had it for years. I think someone that was a little "thick" sat on it and destroyed the hinges, thereby making it squeak when opened. 20 years later and I still haven't had to wrap it in duct tape, and I'm not afraid to wrap things in duct tape. This one time I wrapped my British cat in duct tape. Removing that was a bloody mess. So what was the tape for? To contain fluids, I bet. Suspicious.

The cooler was filled with towels. I don't even know what to think of that. Maybe they were blood-soaked towels. None of that really matters, but it did get me thinking...

We are in the process of remodeling our basement. I've torn out walls and removed built in bench seats and nasty old sheetrock. I was kind of hoping to find a suspicious package or a stash of cash hidden in the walls, but all I found was 3 bingo numbers and a spoon. That seemed a little suspicious to me, though. Maybe I should have called the bomb squad. I would have if the spoon had been wrapped in duct tape because we all know that that is a sure sign of trouble.

Now we are building the new walls and we have a little dead spot in the floor plan, working around closet walls and a pole that supports the upstairs. We could just cover it with sheetrock and forget about it, but what if the future owners think like me? What if someday they remodel the basement again? They will probably hope that they find someone's suspicious package. That didn't sound right, but you know what I mean.

So here is what we are doing, just to mess with people that we will probably never meet or know. In the dead space, we hung a skeleton. It's about the size of a small child, and I was glad that I remembered how to tie a flawless hangman's noose to secure it. Who would have ever thought that would be a handy skill? Stay in school, kids. You never know what you will learn.

Someday, someone will think that this basement would be great if we just knocked down this wall, and they will find the skeleton in my closet. And if the batteries hold out, he will talk to them in his motion activated voice.

Skeleton 1 Skeleton2
This is the skeleton when we first hung it up The wall was being built around it, though, by the time you read this, he'll already have been completely enclosed

I got your suspicious package right here pal.