PHP Wizardry

Jeff Hinshaw

Jeff Hinshaw

January 24, 2011 11:07 PM EST

As this site has matured over time it has transformed into something Elijah and I didn't even conceive to be possible. Yet, here I am writing a blog with a tool I have created. All I must do is finish this blog, upload a picture, do some cropping, and click on 'Add'. Everything else updates for me. It's great going back to the old archives and looking at how laughably stupid we were in regard to programming languages. Back then I thought I knew everything about HTML, but oh, that was only the beginning... After a brief period of reminiscing I had an epiphany. I suddenly realized that I had transformed into a PHP Wizard!

This sudden realization was like a swift punch to the stomach. Like someone had just ran into my room, punched me in the stomach, slapped me twice, lifted me off the ground, slammed me into a wall, and hurled me out my egress window (which sent fragments of sharp glass piercing into my skin which consequently set off our alarm system [which was on since we set it every night at promptly 11:13pm and it was currently 12:22am] thus disturbing the neighbor's dogs) into the cold, melting snow where the man suddenly teleported outside, spat in my face, and escaped on the helicopter waiting for him as he threw snowballs at me and left precisely before the neighbor's dogs arrived who then proceeded to maul me until my corpse was not even recognizable. Let's just say it was quite the realization.

Regardless, I took this newly found position with pride and immediately started to code. 95/7 I did nothing but code. As kids around me took notes in school, I whipped out my laptop and coded. As kids texted and talked during passing time, I walked down the halls coding with my laptop. As kids drove to school in the morning and afternoon, I drove with one hand and coded with the other. As kids went to bed at ridiculous hours, I brewed up some coffee (while coding) and coded throughout the night. When I seemed to be getting weak or tired, I injected myself with adrenaline while coding and coded some more. And soon, with the help of my new PHP spells, I had conjured up a brilliant PHP website THAT WOULD ONE DAY RULE THE WORLD!

However, I encountered one slight problem. Unfortunately through hours and hours and hours and hours of coding and adrenaline shot after adrenaline shot after adrenaline shot after adrenaline shot I became extremely ill and fell into a coma for three whole months. After waking up from such an ordeal, my mind had been in shock. Especially after the encounter...

As I returned home from the hospital, I sat down at my computer and just stared at the immense amount of code that I had worked on for hours and hours and hours and hours. Still slightly traumatized I could not even hit one single button on my keyboard. Suddenly, a loud crash could be heard! Such a startling and loud sound that it almost sounded like a burst of lightning had struck an oil field which immediately burst into flames and set off a thousand nuclear warheads that were hidden beneath sending them flailing in all directions and exploding simultaneously as a low F was rolled on the timpani along with roaring bass drums and giant cymbal crashes and thunderous thunder sheets were played in the background as precisely one thousand mushroom clouds filled up the night sky sending the world into disarray as millions laid dead on the crumbled streets. As it turns out, the source of this loud crash was none other than the holy PHP Mage.

This mage turned 1034 years old precisely eleven days sixteen hours fourteen minutes and thirty-nine seconds before I woke up from my deadly coma. (Frankly I think he lied because he didn't look a day over 800.) Regardless of his age, the mage explained to me that I had overdone my PHP and that even though I was indeed a PHP wizard my powers were still not powerful enough for the amount of PHP I had done. He recommended much lighter doses of PHP and that I not rush myself through any project.

And so, since that day I had limited myself as to not fall into a deadly coma again. It's weird having my life back. I feel like I'm getting to know my friends again. (Still working on their names, but it's slowly coming back.) Now I only code for a couple hours a day and am now currently working on my next project: A D&D program that keeps track of everything related to the game. A great undertaking, but with the skills and powers I have acquired and with the knowledge and wisdom I have received I will be sure to fall into the ranks of the PHP mages one day... But for now, I have to get back to work. Farewell mortals.