Paul and the Quest for Bunny-Flavored Justice

Elijah Kampsen

Elijah Kampsen

May 15, 2008 12:00 AM CDT

Cannibal CorpseThere once was a very affable kid, who enjoyed listening to Cannibal Corpse. His parents didn't enjoy it, so they grounded him and snapped his CD in half. Their words were terse, "This @%!$ sucks!" Little did they know, Paul (the kid's name), knew a kid at school. This kid, who they called Punchface (because he beat the living @%!$ out of anyone who stiffed him money), wore a trench coat. Inside that coat, he had an arsenal of guns. No, jp jp. He actually had a prodigious collection of death-metal CDs hidden in there. Occasionally Punchface had CD sales, but you had to be quick, because the sales were ephemeral.

Punchface also had a business partner, Fisthead. Now, you see, Fisthead was the brains of the operation. Fisthead was very ponderous, but he was nefarious when it came to his tricky business deals. You see, he would pretend like he was going to sell you the CD, then he'd beat the living @%!$ out of you and take your money. Then, he would brush your teeth and spoon-feed you Ramen. Then, he would leave. But, he's in jail now.

Paul had a plan. He would put Punchface in such a state of vexation, that Punchface would just give him a CD for free. Paul's girlfriend, Jack (her parents made a misnomer), was in on the plan too. Jack was going to distract Punchface with her droll temperament, while Paul beat the living @%!$ out of him. But, their plan didn't go as planned...

BullyYou see, Jack's attempts to distract Punchface were gallant, but he just wasn't interested, so he beat the living @%!$ out of her. Then, Paul, who planned to consummate the deal, arrived. Fist in hand, Punchface proceeded to preclude Paul's efforts. But, Paul had a secret back-up plan. From his back pocket, he pulled a bunny, which immediately began to propagate. Soon, there were so many bunnies, that Punchface's churlish attitude stood no chance. So, he surrendered. Then, Queen Bunny bit his @%!$>&# head off.

UnicornPaul pulled his archaic katana from his pocket and killed Queen Bunny, only to immediately fall victim to a feeling of chagrin, because he killed the only thing that saved his life. Right at that very moment, SWAT showed up. They shot Paul, but Paul was wearing a bullet-proof vest. Next, a 45-minute long stand-off/gun-battle ensued between SWAT and Paul and his followers. SWAT decided to try and negotiate a deal with Paul, who had by then taken four unicorns hostage. (In case you didn't know, SWAT are very protective of their unicorns.) For the safe return of Buttercup, Peaches, Happy, and @%!$face (he was the bad one), Paul wanted 400 gallons of freshly-made Neapolitan ice cream. But, there was a problem; no one keeps 400 gallons of Neapolitan ice cream on hand, so SWAT had to have it flown in from Norway. Just as Paul was about to surrender, Jack arose from the dead; a zombie. She grabbed Paul, kissed him, then pried open his skull with her hands. She then proceeded to eat his brains, but SWAT was able to move fast enough to stop her before she could cause any REAL damage. Paul fell to the ground, and he was quickly apprehended by SWAT. Buttercup soon got Staph infection, and died. But, the rest of the unicorns survived.

Vocab Story Pic 4 Ice Cream Paul went to court, on trial for the murder of Queen Bunny. The judge was tough, and gave him the worst punishment possible(in Paul's opinion). He had to listen to 45-minutes of bagpipes, and then he was forced to give up all his most prized possessions (his Cannibal Corpse CD collection.) His parents disowned him at that point. Now, Paul has filed for bankruptcy, due to his scant amount of belongings and his intense penury. He's now living on the streets with his now wife, Jack. They catch rats with their hands, and eat them. I believe he is an anathema, but you may believe different.