Beef Nuggets

Alec Weaver

Alec Weaver

April 15, 2008 12:00 AM EDT

I don't know about you but a few weeks ago I discovered the most delicious food in the world, Jack links brand beef jerky beef nuggets. Okay I know you're probably thinking WHAT?!? So let me break it down for you:

A long time ago Odysseus' soldiers landed on the island of Apollo and slaughtered all of Apollo's cattle except for the most perfect two, a male and female. These cattle's children, ever since, have been raised on a mixture of golden wheat and goat cream from virgin goats by tibetian buhddists and are allowed to graze in fields of wild flowers. After these majestic animals are just plump enough, they choose the best cow to slaughter (they only choose one at a time), they are led through an elaborate ritual led by Hindu gurus who choose the most select cuts of meat. These are then aged to perfection and preserved with the most high quality ingredients and are dried in the sun until the tenderness is locked in a marriage of flavor and deliciousness until they arrive in little packages designed by God himself to show the beauty of what is inside them. And the best part is that they have three flavors. The first is maple and hickory which taste like God put beef to cure in the Osark Mountains. The second is peppered which taste like the beef was sent from heaven to make on the top of a Mojave Plateau to dry and become delicious. (The third Alec never explained.) That is what beef nuggets taste like.